mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
