He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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