Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you never un-have a 4some
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
