giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
