Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
