i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
