you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
