You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
