Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
