I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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