I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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