look no pants
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
