Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
