My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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