why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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