Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
