never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
