You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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