hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
