If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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