i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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