Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
