there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
