I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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