and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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