I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
