If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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