you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
