I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
barbara walters just said penis...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
