"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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