I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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