I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
