yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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