wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
