I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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