i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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