I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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