Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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