I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
