I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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