i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
