i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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