Define "chronic" masturbator.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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