Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
