I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
