i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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