I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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