I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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