SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i now understand why vodka
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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