i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
