i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
