i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
