Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
